Seasons change, but life, unlike seasons, has no fixed patterns

My, my…it’s been over six months since I last wrote. And these six months have been one of the most trying periods of my life. I read my last post just now and couldn’t help smiling at the (almost naive) optimism I had then – didn’t think it would take so long for the season to change and what the journey would be like.

There are times in life when you don’t know what’s happening to you and around you (well actually you do know, but you can’t accept or come to terms with them), when you find yourself becoming someone you never wanted to be, when the environment you are in is against the very fabric of your being, when you do all what you know to do and still things do not change – well, that’s my last six month period for you. In the process I realised how long and difficult the personal transformation journey can be and how human I am. Not that that I ever considered myself sub or super human, but  the negative emotions of anger, envy, desire, hatred, which I thought I transcended – I realise they are still very much present within me. Just needs the right (or rather wrong) triggers for them to come out in the open.

The other thing I got was the distinction  between internal and external sources of happiness. Yes, yes everyone says that true happiness lies within…but experientially, am only getting it now. Till a couple of weeks ago I was trying to swim in the sea of negativity and hopelessness, and I blamed the world around me for being that way, and others for having pushed me into that sea. And I was miserable and suffering. Then after a few conversations, reflections, readings and musings, something shifted…I still am where I was in a physical sense, and practically with the same set of circumstances/environment as before, but now happiness has found its way in. And it came from within. But I did have to go through the grind, for it all to come together for me. So there do not seem to be any quick fix answers. Circumstances are the way they area, it’s how one choses to react to them that makes the difference in how the whole experience occurs.

The other important thing I am getting now is the distinction between concepts and reality. We turn to concepts when things do not go well (or in Krishnamurti’s words, when they fail to give us pleasure), but what we actually have is only the real world – our job, our family, our daily chores, our experience of every day life! So now, I am less bullish on esoteric concepts, and tend to subscribe only to ideas (or concepts!) that can be evidenced in everyday life; not governed by fear (what will happen if I don’t do x or y or z), not to please someone, not because I should/have to, not in the hope of gaining nirvana five lifetimes from now…but what I can experience and transform in this lifetime.

After these learnings, yes I can say that the season has changed. But as I found out when I expected the tide to turn soon last time around, life, unlike seasons, has no fixed pattern – one cannot say how long a phase will last…but real transformation does indeed come from within, and gets evidenced in our everyday life.

Advertisement